More flashbacks to UHF - Conan the Librarian

Remember to return your books on time, kids!

Flashback to the 1989 blockbuster, UHF

This is Crazy Ernie. The recession has really affected his sales lately. Listen to his innovative approach to drum up some business.

"If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right! I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy. "Will he do it? Maybe you should head on down to make sure he doesn't do something too crazy.


If you haven't seen UHF, you are missing out. It's kind of dumb, but not as dumb as some of the movies that win awards, and it's funny (unlike poo in your mailbox).

Heaven on Earth

I stumbled upon this hidden gem while trying to find the girls a place to stay in Rexburg.



Rexburg Americinn Fantasy Suites

Designed with pleasure and relaxation in mind, these fantasy themed suites are great for everyone. Whether you are on your honeymoon, out for your anniversary, on a business trip, or even a trip with the kids*, we are sure that you will enjoy the amenities these rooms have to offer.

In-room complimentary yogurt (no cool whip?), juice, popcorn and water (what? no Dr. Pepper? the perfect aphrodisiac)

Complimentary breakfast buffet each morning in the breakfast area including homemade Belgian waffles, biscuits & gravy, fresh fruit and much more (hope they have Corn Pops. Gotta have my Pops)

Each suite offers a different two-person whirlpool jetted spa (nice to know you don't share with the other couples or families* from the other suites), microwave, refrigerator, and DVD player with surround sound. Bring your favorite music to set the mood.

Here are the different suites available:

Blink twice and you may miss the ancient sunset sky awaiting you in the Mayan Suite. The primitive jungle drumbeat echoes at the base of a majestic Aztec temple lit by the brilliant warmth of a stone fireplace. Entice your sweetheart to give or receive a massage on a luxurious state-of-the-art massage table or relax under a rich jaguar throw. To top off the evening unwind in a luxurious jetted tub.
Featured Amenities:
27" TV
King size bed
Fireplace
Massage table

Find your equilibrium in the exotic Zen garden Suite as you inhale the rich cedarwood scent of the Orient. Let your imagination lift your body and soul to enlightenment. Meditation isn’t your only option in this vacation to the Far East - experience all the bliss of the ancient tradition of the oriental bathhouse with the invigorating pleasure of a jetted tub.
Featured Amenities:
45" TV
Queen size bed
Extra large jetted whirlpool tub

One step further than Cloud Nine (Outer Space)
Listen closely to the sound of……nothing, but the two of you sharing a incredibly superlative evening on the most romantic planet in the heavens…planet (fill-in-the blanks)!! Feeling as though you could float away at any moment, let light and texture envelope your senses. Take a big dip in your own cosmic spa and gaze up into a twinkling galaxy of lights and constellations. This galactic suite will have you applauding one giant leap for mankind.
Featured Amenities:
45" TV
King size bed
Small curtain fountain
600 fiber optics in the ceiling in the form of the constellations

Let the accordions play your song as you sweep down the Grand Canals in a gondola built for two. During your sunset retreat to Venice, don’t forget to kiss your sweetheart while sailing under the famous Rialto Bridge. View St Mark’s Square from a distance and wrap yourselves in history. Cobblestone streets, gurgling fountains, rich murals and love await you in this city of A’more.
Featured Amenities:
32" TV
Queen size bed in a gondola under the famous Rialto Bridge
Fountain

You can almost hear the monkeys and elephants pushing back the foliage around your canvas tent. As though Ernest Hemingway himself were leading a Victorian-era hunting safari, you have been transported to the lush jungles of Kilimanjaro. Your “jungle suite” comes complete with a romantic canopied bed and jetted tub, dazzling murals, rich mahogany furniture and a warm fire. We invite you to awaken your senses in this tent built for two.
Featured Amenities:
27" TV
Fireplace
English water closet
Queen size canopy bed

As your Knight-in-shining-armor lowers your feet to the rough hewn floor in the Medieval Suite, you feel as though you’ve been transported to another time.Flickering wall sconces light the stone castle walls, heavy wooden thrones, magnificent tapestries and rich velvet that await royal guests in this grand suite. Don’t resist the urge to share a fur throw in front of the fire, after you’ve bathed in a mystically filled jetted tub. Let the majestic luxury of nobility go straight to your heads as your douse yourselves in regency for an evening or two.
Featured Amenities:
32" TV
Fireplace
King size bed
Lion head fountain
Roll in shower - handicapped accessible

The serene seclusion of a sweet rainforest beckons you from every root and mossy limb of the pristine beauty of the Emerald Lagoon.Glistening waterfalls and abundant foliage invite you to relax in a private rock-carved pool for two as the peaceful sounds of exotic wildlife wash over you like a cool ocean breeze. Snuggle beneath dense leafy canopies and let the forest envelop you with the sultry shower of rain. You’ll find many surprises awaiting your arrival to your own private lagoon.
Featured Amenities:
32" TV
Round king size bed
Experience your own waterfall as the whirlpool in this room fills from the ceiling
Curtain waterfall surrounds Whirlpool

Important things

This is a funny show that is on Comedy Central. Every episode is about one specific subject. This one is about brains.

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Brains - Jokes About Brains

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
More Funny Videos

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Brains - Some Data

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
More Funny Videos

Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a nacho dinner Friday, James Kirchmann, 29, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Sarah, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to grate the cheese before you put it on the chips, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Kirchmann said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed nacho dinner follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Kirchmann points for trying, including failing to allemande right during square dancing in sixth-grade gym class, hitting his head on the diving board while screwing up an inward 1 ½ somersault in the tuck position, botching his attempt to keep squirrels out of the attic, incorrectly assuming that his wife wouldn’t want that last peanut covered frozen chocolate Drumstick, and trying to dress his two daughters for church. "To this day I just can't allemande to the right. And you can forget about the half promenade," lamented the balding, overweight father of two. Kirchmann is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a Spongebob Squarepants keychain.

NICE TRY, GUYS

What would I do for a Klondike Bar?

Today I've answered the question that's been burning in my mind for a long time. Exactly how many five year olds could I take on in an all out brawl?

Here are the rules:

1. You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
2. There are no weapons or foreign objects
3. Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
4. The children are merciless and will show no fear
5. If a child is knocked unconscious, he is "out." The same goes for you.

22

Now I know beforehand when to hold'em or fold'em, as the great Mr. Rogers said (Kenny, not Fred). If I see that 23rd or 24th kid lurking in the shadows, I'm outta there. But 20 five year olds? Bring it on!!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, whether you like it or not.

Sarah for some reason has it out for Mr. Rogers. I don't know if he didn't reply to her fan mail or what, but she does not want the girls watching his show. This is beyond me, since she lets them watch Barney, some french kids singing the alphabet, and The Wiggles. After a heated battle on the Netflix website (me adding Mr. Rogers to queue and Sarah deleting it), I won the battle and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood: Going to School was shipped to our neighborhood. I wonder if they're sending it by speedy delivery. Time will tell. I think that it will do the girls some good to "chillax" (I got that from Laker forward Lamar Odom) and listen to the soothing voice of Mr. Rogers plead with them to be his neighbor...well I guess that is kind of creepy. He's dead now, though, so no harm done.

Next on the list is Peewee's Playhouse. Also kind of creepy, but it's a fun show and Morpheus from the Matrix is Cowboy Curtis. What could be cooler than that?

Under construction

This post is going to be so awesome. I've been working on it for two months straight. I've gotten no sleep at all. I'm just putting on the finishing touches. Check back soon.

Origins of an American Classic

So, we have this plastic cereal bowl for Bella that has a built-in straw (I always thought that drinking your cereal milk was nasty so I don't understand that, but Bella loves it). Anyway, I think I figured out how the rattail came to be. You know what I'm talking about...the stupid new kids on the block had them, but I couldn't find a good picture of it. So, if you take your normal bowl haircut and use this straw bowl instead like so:

and you get a perfect rattail like this:

Act now and get a free meat lovers pizza.

Way Back Wednesday

Since I got called on the 20 comment thing, I guess I'd better post something. For starters, I thought I'd get in on this way back wednesday thing...



This was an awkward stage for me. I didn't have many friends, I was pretty underdeveloped, and I basically just hung out with my mom. Pretty pathetic, huh? I did end up eventually developing limbs and even a third nipple (another story) and got myself out of that tiny living space (it didn't even have a bathroom), but it was a tough nine months. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic.

Happy Birthday Sarah!!

So, today is Sarah's birthday. She is not as old as me and not as young as she was yesterday. I hope everyone wishes her a happy birthday today and that she has a great day. I told the kids to take it easy on her today, so we'll see how that goes. Anyway, Happy Birthday, Sarah! You're the best, and I appreciate everything you do for me and the monsters. You are awesome! I love you!

Hooray for America

I don't know who I'm voting for in the Presidential Primaries yet. I'm not voting for Mitt Romney just because he's a member of the same church that I am (I never would have voted for Harry Reid...that's for dang sure). But Mitt gave an awesome speech today and didn't back down from what he believes. Read this article by Pat Buchanan. Mitt sounds like a president that this country needs, I think.

This was the last part of his speech..."Recall the early days of the First Continental Congress in Philadelphia, during the fall of 1774. With Boston occupied by British troops, there were rumors of imminent hostilities and fears of an impending war. In this time of peril, someone suggested that they pray. But there were objections. They were too divided in religious sentiments, what with Episcopalians and Quakers, Anabaptists and Congregationalists, Presbyterians and Catholics.
Then Sam Adams rose, and said he would hear a prayer from anyone of piety and good character, as long as they were a patriot. And so together they prayed, and together they fought, and together, by the grace of God, they founded this great nation.
In that spirit, let us give thanks to the divine author of liberty. And together, let us pray that this land may always be blessed with freedom's holy light. "

Amen, brother.

In other news, a grade A jumbo egg was found dead today on the counter with multiple fractures to his shell. Police say that the message "eat more chikn" was written in yolk next to the body, and rumors of a mob hit by the cows on the chik-fil-a billboards have been circulating.

Warning: graphic image

Ding fries are done

So, since some of you haven't heard this before...here is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I heard it on the Dr. Demento radio show back in the day. Haven't found that show on the radio in a long time. Anyway, I used to sing this to my sisters, since they both worked at Burger King. While I'm here, I had an idea...I'm going to write six things that you might not know about me. This idea just came to me.

1. I am full of crap. Okay, most of you know this by now. I always have to try to be funny. I get bored otherwise. Sarah laughs at my jokes sometimes, so that's good. I like to think of myself as a funny guy.

2. I'm a schizophrenic...and so am I. haha. That's from "What about Bob?". #2 is actually that I played the clarinet from 5th grade through part of college. I was pretty darn good. I hated marching season, though. I would still like to play in an orchestra someday. I love music, and I want to start playing again so that my kids will love music too.

3. Words I live by: "Don't do today what you can put off till tomorrow." This isn't something I am proud of. I've fought it all my life, but it's been a tough battle. I'm not what you'd call a "go-getter", or what my wife would call "any help at all". I do try, though, and sometimes I'll surprise ya. Not today, though. Maybe tomorrow...

4. Apparently the only way I don't snore at night is if I lie on my left side. Unfortunately the only way I don't fart at night is if I lie on my right side. Pick your poison Sarah. Mwah haha

5. One of my favorite movies of all time is UHF, with Weird Al. I know that none of you would have probably guessed that, but it's true. I love the part where Conan the Librarian slices this kid in half for having overdue library books.

6. I actually could probably go to 106 on these little tidbits, but I don't want to bore anyone. When I was in Brazil, clapping in front of houses "you don't knock on doors there", I got this parasite in my leg. It was called "verme de cachorro" or dog worm. It burrowed it's way around my leg just under my skin. It went on for awhile because the first doctor I went to thought it was allergies and essentially gave me some hydrocortizone cream. This doesn't kill parasites apparently, so before I got the right medicine, my leg looked like a bright red spider web from my knee to my ankle. Pretty cool stuff.

Okay, that's six things about me. Maybe you guys should try doing this too. Let's see if my idea catches on.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Ever wondered how they make yummy soft serve ice cream? Well wonder no more!

VANILLA VANILLA VANILLA OOPS! CHOCOLATE

We went to lunch at Mi Cocina with the client today. When we were eating, our waiter came by and said "Is everything okay? Very delicious?" I couldn't stop laughing at that. Yes, waiter, that is exactly what I was going to say, very delicious. Thanks.

If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich

"It's never pleasant to think about, but the fact is, someday I will die. It's true that I am in relatively good health and should have many more wonderful years ahead of me. But it would be irresponsible of me not to be prepared for the worst. It's a dangerous world we're living in, and who knows what tomorrow will bring? Therefore, with a heavy heart, I must make my last wishes known.

If I do pass on before my time, I beg of you, finish eating this sandwich.

This may be difficult, but it's something that has to be done. As my friends and family—the people closest to me in the world—you've been with me through thick and thin, and I love each and every one of you. But I also love this sandwich, and if something happens to me before I am able to finish it, I want you to pick up where I left off: halfway through a delicious corned beef on rye.

I realize this is a lot to ask. Many of you are busy with your own sandwiches or deli wraps, and it might seem impossible to leave your lunches behind and take care of my abandoned corned beef. Believe me, I plan to swallow every last bite of this piled-high wonder myself and maybe even move on to a brownie. But life doesn't care about plans. That's why I need you to promise me. Promise me you won't let a single ounce of this spicy brown mustard go to waste.

Finish it while it's still warm and toasty, and I can rest in peace.

I won't dwell on the awkward details about how the sandwich should be divided up among you. I just trust that, when the time comes, you'll know what to do. And it gives me comfort to think that I'll be watching over you from heaven, giving a little smile when you realize those chips are the nice Kettle ones. Such is my legacy to you.

Sometimes I wonder how we got to this point. At 43, I shouldn't be thinking about what's going to happen to the remainder of this sandwich. I should be enjoying my home, my two beautiful daughters, and the delectable crunch of caraway seed meeting corned beef. But that's the reality of life in an unpredictable world. My father died of a heart attack at 68, and it was a terrible shock to all of us. And there was no will. He died right in the middle of a bowl of chili. I don't want to leave you with that kind of burden. I can't bear to think of you all standing around the kitchen, trying to figure out how to honor my memory. So I'm telling you right now, so there's no confusion:

Eat this sandwich. All of it. Plus the pickle spear.

There are a few specifics I need to go over pertaining to my last wishes, so there is a public record of them. While it may be hard to hear, it's even harder to say, but I think you'll all agree it is for the best. If I die from a sudden fatal stroke or a massive brain aneurysm while in mid-bite, there's a chance that I will still be clutching the sandwich. If this happens, you'll need to pry it out of my lifeless hands in order to finish eating it. Try to keep my mother out of the room when you do this, because it will be very hard for her to see. She's quite frail now that Dad's gone, and I'm worried about her heart.

If, however, there is no apparent cause for my untimely death, it is imperative that you make sure to rule out "poisoned sandwich" before carrying out my last wishes.

Look, there is absolutely no need to worry about me. I'm going to sit here and enjoy this perfectly stacked sandwich, eat these chips, and wash it all down with a cold beverage just like I do every Thursday at lunch. However, if something does happen and I'm unable to give this sandwich the proper eating it deserves, I need to know that someone will have the presence of mind to step over my corpse, consume the rest of this widowed sandwich, and wash it down with what's left of my Dr. Pepper before the ice melts and it gets all watery.

Do this, and I shall be eternally indebted to you, as will my parents, my wife, and Mike at the Pump 'N Pay sandwich counter."

Did you read all this story, Sarah? It's from the Onion!! Ha ha I tricked you into reading fake news! But seriously, if I die, I really do want you to finish my sandwich.

all complaints must be submitted in writing

Yay! I found another link to my video, and it's even better with that music from the OC and the SNL parody. There's a new post below this too.

Always take your I.D. to the zoo

DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo

PHOENIX, AZ—Zoo staff transported Panovich by helicopter to his Mesa, AZ home, where he was released into his yard and reintroduced to his mate and two young.

I think that my dream job would be writing for The Onion. H I L A R I O U S. I love the part about dumping giraffe urine on the guy to make him want to mate with the giraffes. Sarah probably won't read this story, because she doesn't like fake news. I don't see how the real news is any better, though. For instance, I just read that the president of mexico was eaten by a rare president-eating fish. Do you think that was reported on CNN? No! That's why I get all my news from The Onion. I know what's really going on in the world.

Punch in the face Monday

This is one of my favorite videos that I pass around on Mondays. Somebody put the guy from 300 in it and now it's even funnier.

The most annoying sound in the world

Speaking of Aubree again, I think maybe she's been watching Dumb and Dumber behind our backs, because she keeps quoting it over and over and over and over and over. Jim Carrey has nothing on little Aubree. And she was supposed to be the mellow one.

99 cans of Dr. Pepper on the wall; 99 cans of Dr. Pepper; you take one down and only drink half of it; 98 cans of Dr. Pepper on the wall

Apparently there are some people who are tired of looking at Elton John in drag. So here's Elton John in a Donald Duck costume.

Aubree has an uncontrollable reflex...whenever she sees you clap your hands, she can't help but clap her own hands. I was entertained for the better part of an hour the other day making her do that. Speaking of Aubree, she loves having me and Bella hold her hands and walk her around the house. She's getting really good at standing by herself and she's taken that first step a couple of times before collapsing.

To a certain Subway employee who shall remain nameless because I don't know his name and I don't care what it is: I asked for mustard on my roast beef sandwich, not the other way around. Thanks.