Ding fries are done

So, since some of you haven't heard this before...here is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I heard it on the Dr. Demento radio show back in the day. Haven't found that show on the radio in a long time. Anyway, I used to sing this to my sisters, since they both worked at Burger King. While I'm here, I had an idea...I'm going to write six things that you might not know about me. This idea just came to me.

1. I am full of crap. Okay, most of you know this by now. I always have to try to be funny. I get bored otherwise. Sarah laughs at my jokes sometimes, so that's good. I like to think of myself as a funny guy.

2. I'm a schizophrenic...and so am I. haha. That's from "What about Bob?". #2 is actually that I played the clarinet from 5th grade through part of college. I was pretty darn good. I hated marching season, though. I would still like to play in an orchestra someday. I love music, and I want to start playing again so that my kids will love music too.

3. Words I live by: "Don't do today what you can put off till tomorrow." This isn't something I am proud of. I've fought it all my life, but it's been a tough battle. I'm not what you'd call a "go-getter", or what my wife would call "any help at all". I do try, though, and sometimes I'll surprise ya. Not today, though. Maybe tomorrow...

4. Apparently the only way I don't snore at night is if I lie on my left side. Unfortunately the only way I don't fart at night is if I lie on my right side. Pick your poison Sarah. Mwah haha

5. One of my favorite movies of all time is UHF, with Weird Al. I know that none of you would have probably guessed that, but it's true. I love the part where Conan the Librarian slices this kid in half for having overdue library books.

6. I actually could probably go to 106 on these little tidbits, but I don't want to bore anyone. When I was in Brazil, clapping in front of houses "you don't knock on doors there", I got this parasite in my leg. It was called "verme de cachorro" or dog worm. It burrowed it's way around my leg just under my skin. It went on for awhile because the first doctor I went to thought it was allergies and essentially gave me some hydrocortizone cream. This doesn't kill parasites apparently, so before I got the right medicine, my leg looked like a bright red spider web from my knee to my ankle. Pretty cool stuff.

Okay, that's six things about me. Maybe you guys should try doing this too. Let's see if my idea catches on.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Ever wondered how they make yummy soft serve ice cream? Well wonder no more!

VANILLA VANILLA VANILLA OOPS! CHOCOLATE

We went to lunch at Mi Cocina with the client today. When we were eating, our waiter came by and said "Is everything okay? Very delicious?" I couldn't stop laughing at that. Yes, waiter, that is exactly what I was going to say, very delicious. Thanks.

If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich

"It's never pleasant to think about, but the fact is, someday I will die. It's true that I am in relatively good health and should have many more wonderful years ahead of me. But it would be irresponsible of me not to be prepared for the worst. It's a dangerous world we're living in, and who knows what tomorrow will bring? Therefore, with a heavy heart, I must make my last wishes known.

If I do pass on before my time, I beg of you, finish eating this sandwich.

This may be difficult, but it's something that has to be done. As my friends and family—the people closest to me in the world—you've been with me through thick and thin, and I love each and every one of you. But I also love this sandwich, and if something happens to me before I am able to finish it, I want you to pick up where I left off: halfway through a delicious corned beef on rye.

I realize this is a lot to ask. Many of you are busy with your own sandwiches or deli wraps, and it might seem impossible to leave your lunches behind and take care of my abandoned corned beef. Believe me, I plan to swallow every last bite of this piled-high wonder myself and maybe even move on to a brownie. But life doesn't care about plans. That's why I need you to promise me. Promise me you won't let a single ounce of this spicy brown mustard go to waste.

Finish it while it's still warm and toasty, and I can rest in peace.

I won't dwell on the awkward details about how the sandwich should be divided up among you. I just trust that, when the time comes, you'll know what to do. And it gives me comfort to think that I'll be watching over you from heaven, giving a little smile when you realize those chips are the nice Kettle ones. Such is my legacy to you.

Sometimes I wonder how we got to this point. At 43, I shouldn't be thinking about what's going to happen to the remainder of this sandwich. I should be enjoying my home, my two beautiful daughters, and the delectable crunch of caraway seed meeting corned beef. But that's the reality of life in an unpredictable world. My father died of a heart attack at 68, and it was a terrible shock to all of us. And there was no will. He died right in the middle of a bowl of chili. I don't want to leave you with that kind of burden. I can't bear to think of you all standing around the kitchen, trying to figure out how to honor my memory. So I'm telling you right now, so there's no confusion:

Eat this sandwich. All of it. Plus the pickle spear.

There are a few specifics I need to go over pertaining to my last wishes, so there is a public record of them. While it may be hard to hear, it's even harder to say, but I think you'll all agree it is for the best. If I die from a sudden fatal stroke or a massive brain aneurysm while in mid-bite, there's a chance that I will still be clutching the sandwich. If this happens, you'll need to pry it out of my lifeless hands in order to finish eating it. Try to keep my mother out of the room when you do this, because it will be very hard for her to see. She's quite frail now that Dad's gone, and I'm worried about her heart.

If, however, there is no apparent cause for my untimely death, it is imperative that you make sure to rule out "poisoned sandwich" before carrying out my last wishes.

Look, there is absolutely no need to worry about me. I'm going to sit here and enjoy this perfectly stacked sandwich, eat these chips, and wash it all down with a cold beverage just like I do every Thursday at lunch. However, if something does happen and I'm unable to give this sandwich the proper eating it deserves, I need to know that someone will have the presence of mind to step over my corpse, consume the rest of this widowed sandwich, and wash it down with what's left of my Dr. Pepper before the ice melts and it gets all watery.

Do this, and I shall be eternally indebted to you, as will my parents, my wife, and Mike at the Pump 'N Pay sandwich counter."

Did you read all this story, Sarah? It's from the Onion!! Ha ha I tricked you into reading fake news! But seriously, if I die, I really do want you to finish my sandwich.

all complaints must be submitted in writing

Yay! I found another link to my video, and it's even better with that music from the OC and the SNL parody. There's a new post below this too.

Always take your I.D. to the zoo

DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo

PHOENIX, AZ—Zoo staff transported Panovich by helicopter to his Mesa, AZ home, where he was released into his yard and reintroduced to his mate and two young.

I think that my dream job would be writing for The Onion. H I L A R I O U S. I love the part about dumping giraffe urine on the guy to make him want to mate with the giraffes. Sarah probably won't read this story, because she doesn't like fake news. I don't see how the real news is any better, though. For instance, I just read that the president of mexico was eaten by a rare president-eating fish. Do you think that was reported on CNN? No! That's why I get all my news from The Onion. I know what's really going on in the world.