Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a nacho dinner Friday, James Kirchmann, 29, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Sarah, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to grate the cheese before you put it on the chips, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Kirchmann said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed nacho dinner follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Kirchmann points for trying, including failing to allemande right during square dancing in sixth-grade gym class, hitting his head on the diving board while screwing up an inward 1 ½ somersault in the tuck position, botching his attempt to keep squirrels out of the attic, incorrectly assuming that his wife wouldn’t want that last peanut covered frozen chocolate Drumstick, and trying to dress his two daughters for church. "To this day I just can't allemande to the right. And you can forget about the half promenade," lamented the balding, overweight father of two. Kirchmann is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a Spongebob Squarepants keychain.

NICE TRY, GUYS

What would I do for a Klondike Bar?

Today I've answered the question that's been burning in my mind for a long time. Exactly how many five year olds could I take on in an all out brawl?

Here are the rules:

1. You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
2. There are no weapons or foreign objects
3. Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
4. The children are merciless and will show no fear
5. If a child is knocked unconscious, he is "out." The same goes for you.

22

Now I know beforehand when to hold'em or fold'em, as the great Mr. Rogers said (Kenny, not Fred). If I see that 23rd or 24th kid lurking in the shadows, I'm outta there. But 20 five year olds? Bring it on!!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, whether you like it or not.

Sarah for some reason has it out for Mr. Rogers. I don't know if he didn't reply to her fan mail or what, but she does not want the girls watching his show. This is beyond me, since she lets them watch Barney, some french kids singing the alphabet, and The Wiggles. After a heated battle on the Netflix website (me adding Mr. Rogers to queue and Sarah deleting it), I won the battle and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood: Going to School was shipped to our neighborhood. I wonder if they're sending it by speedy delivery. Time will tell. I think that it will do the girls some good to "chillax" (I got that from Laker forward Lamar Odom) and listen to the soothing voice of Mr. Rogers plead with them to be his neighbor...well I guess that is kind of creepy. He's dead now, though, so no harm done.

Next on the list is Peewee's Playhouse. Also kind of creepy, but it's a fun show and Morpheus from the Matrix is Cowboy Curtis. What could be cooler than that?

Under construction

This post is going to be so awesome. I've been working on it for two months straight. I've gotten no sleep at all. I'm just putting on the finishing touches. Check back soon.

Origins of an American Classic

So, we have this plastic cereal bowl for Bella that has a built-in straw (I always thought that drinking your cereal milk was nasty so I don't understand that, but Bella loves it). Anyway, I think I figured out how the rattail came to be. You know what I'm talking about...the stupid new kids on the block had them, but I couldn't find a good picture of it. So, if you take your normal bowl haircut and use this straw bowl instead like so:

and you get a perfect rattail like this:

Act now and get a free meat lovers pizza.